Sometimes, life is bad. Like it pummels lemons at your face for some reason. Then you try to make lemonade but you can’t find your power juicer and Jack Lalanne died so he cant tow a buggy with his wife sitting in it to deliver you one.
Today I discovered a little something called mock duck. Its fake duck made out of gluten. It incldues very realistic duck skin. I’m tellin ya I’d be FOOLED.
This is my artistic response to mock duck, and a precursory post to whet your taste buds for mmmmm #mockduckday. Creative collaborators will be gemmalady and saturated_fatz
This is the hog report for In The Woods 2011. Both hoggies were very dear to me and, I’m sure, many other attendees of ITW.
As well as burgers and veggie curry there was a hog roast. My hog roast experience at Field day was marred by 3 thin slices of cooked at some point pig with paxo stuffing and I was, needless to say, disappointed. But ITW hog was a different ball game. We arrived 1ish. One hog was already on. There was a nice hog family cooking it and playing cards in the meantime. Come 4 its almost done and another one is being loaded onto the spitroast next to it. We get to see them arrange the poles that hold it in place. A large metal pole is running gracefully through its bumhole. They tell us the 1st hog will be ready about half 5.
Rocking up to get some later, Edd “Kit Kat Chunky” Read points out there are no condiments available to go with the sexy hog. There was mild concern about this but oh was it shortlived! The meat was JUICY and THICK CUT. The crackling was peeled off from the body and placed on a cutting board FOR FREE. The price was £4.50. The hog man may have been a little SEXIST after cutting the boys hog in chunks, mine coming off the same way asking “is this going to be ok for you?”. DON’T WORRY MATE I HAVE A BIG MOUTH READY FOR HOG. I’ve now decided there will be a late night hog roast at my wedding / Gemma or Chan’s wedding. Someone I know needs to have a hog roast at a social function. It was so sociable. So tasty. So HOG.
On the way to a band Greg made a funny about the hog tail looking like a willy. We decided we needed the tail to document this fact (read: hold up to our crotches). The hog man cut it off and put it on the crackling board and said it was free. We then proceeded to play with it for a while before getting bored and placing on a tree for someone else to have fun with. I later heard Edd missed it and collected it, and we found it next to his tent in the morning.
I’m not sure when the hog family left for the night but they left both spitroasts and leftover hog behind. We noticed a crowd of people round the secondary hog before it hit us. FREE BONUS HOG. We chowed down again and it may have been better the second time around (or it might have been the rum. who knows). Greg suggested I should not have the meat that was pinker than the rest which was good advice in hindsight. At the time I was thinking I like rare meat, and they’ve just reduced the pork cooking temperature. Not sure where I would’ve been going with that except to the toilets to puke in the sink.
In the morning: both spitroasts there, both bums there, but the spine missing from the secondary hog. This has been worrying me for a while, I wonder what happened to it? Here are some of my theories:
- Several people gnawed on it at once in the bushes
- Someone swung it round while dancing around the bonfire
- A hammer throw type game was played with it. Winner wears it like a necklace
- It was put in someones tent / sleeping bag (better prank than slightly rotating Omar and Naomi’s tent)
To summarize: HOG can bring you good eats, closer to your fellow brethren and can be a great source of chat. Brother and sister hogs of In The Woods 2011, I salute you.
Beeb Radio 1 are ruining invoice Monday, as they keep playing a sound byte of Cameron telling me one of the reasons rioters rioted is because people don’t have dads.
Seriously, is he just picking a different cliche out of the air everyday?
Maybe I should write to him…
HI MR CAMERON,
MY NAMES JB AND I’M FROM TOTTENHAM. I DONT HAVE A DADDY. WILL YOU BE MY DADDY? I REALLY FEEL LIKE YOUR TORYISMS COULD IMPROVE MY LIFE AND MAKE ME LESS LIKELY TO LOOT WEAVE SHOPS / HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATIONS I’M GROWING UP IN.
LOVE JB X
While I wait for a reply (cos he blatantly reads Pakora Piece), lets look at how Lil Kim’s face has changed in life:
Yeah we all remember this one…
Avec shell breast, still familiar.
OH. That weave line is really convincing.
This post is entitled “Happy Birthday Greg” because today it is Greg Sanderson’s birthday. He is my very nice boyfriend man so this multimedia post is dedicated to him and his lovely face, hair and demeanour.
Because another year is another dollar you might want to start collecting coupons.
Love JB xxx
As I thought this was one of those beanie hats.
Its actually a tongue and a mouth! Fancy that hey!